Sunday 2. December 2007 after a visit to the doctor.
Growing old is complicated. Living on my own makes it even more so. To have to depend on somebody is a great problem for me. From a very young age I had to make my own decisions and live by its consequences for better or for worth. As a result I am how I am, as independent as is possible. I do what I can for myself and only ask for help from my son when it is absolutely necessary.
Of late this has become more frequent and that is very upsetting for me. The last thing I want is to be dependent on somebody, to be a burden to my son.
I seem to have reached the limit of my autonomy.
Lately my strength seemed to ebb from week to week. Everything hurts me. My knees have been hurting for a long time, both the one that have been replaced as well as the other one. My belly seems to have grown while I actually lost weight. It is tense and hurts when I walk.
A couple of weeks ago I spoke briefly to my grandson about it. He has finished medical school and is doing his specializing in Internal Medicine. His one and only question was if my doctor had examined my belly. That rang a bell.
Last Sunday 25th of November 2007 I went to see him. He immediately sent me for a CT and said it was urgent and he made every effort to get all the paperwork done as quickly as possible for me.
Monday 26th November I did a blood test.
Thursday 29th November I went for the CT test. I had to fast 4 hours ahead of it and then every 20 minutes for 3 hours to drink some preparation. My son came along and helped me. At the end I was pretty exhausted.
Friday 30th November I brought the CD with the results to my doctor.
Today Sunday 2nd of December 2007 I went to see him. In my blood test there is an indication that there might be cancer cells somewhere and he rung up an Oncologist in the Share Zedek Hospital. Tomorrow at 9 o’clock in the morning I have to go there. Again he is doing all the paperwork for me to speed it up.
I asked, how will I manage? I live on my own. How will I cope?
I phoned my son Danny. He said: “But Mum, you knew that there is something wrong with you. This is not new. I will take you to the hospital tomorrow”
I was close to tears.
It is always Danny who is there for me. I told him that that was my greatest worry. It is always Danny and Danny, again and again who sits with me, looks after me and helps me.
His reply was: “ When I was small you looked after me. When I will grow old my sons will look after me. Now I will look after you.”
I try hard to hold back my tears. I hope to keep my wits about me and be as little bother to him as possible. Will I manage that?